Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Update on latest audition

I got an update from the band yesterday about the audition on Sunday. Drumroll please............

They rejected me.

Yes, it kind of sucks, and I have to admit yesterday when I heard it, I was sort of bummed, but that feeling was gone within a couple hours. I've never been good with rejection and was thinking yesterday how I was going to write up a whole piece on it, but then the feeling subsided and I was sort of in a good mood, especially once I realized I seemed to have learned to deal with rejection in cases like this relatively easily.

Let me explain, I don't mind rejection when it comes to things I can logically rationalize, applying for jobs and things like that, I understand it. Having said that, I have always had an issue with rejection when it comes to things where I put a part of myself out there, to this point that's meant friendships, relationships, and in this case my fledgling music career. I hated the possibility of being rejected based on me being me, it's hung over me for a long time, even as I built up my personality and developed into I am, I've carried that irrational fear. I really became aware of this again after getting the boot from the first band and it took a bit to climb back out from that one, in a lot of ways it felt like recovering from being dumped.

A good portion of my life has been spent avoiding situations where rejection is a possibility, I'd either avoid the situations or so work to control the outcome in my favor, that I'd only put myself in positive situations. So after the first dump by the band it took a while to get back out there, I've had two auditions now, the first one I wrote about but haven't heard anything back and assume it's a rejection, the second one came quick and as I said earlier I was a bit upset. After all I put it all out there and gave it my best shot and for what they said they were looking for I'm pretty sure I was a good fit. When I found out they were going in a different direction, the doubt and self loathing started to seep in. Am I good enough? did I f*ck something up? Say something stupid? all sorts of questions plagued through my mind, with negative answers to those questions bombarding my internal discussion.

Then I thought about it, who gives a f*ck, so they didn't like it. I know I can sing a little bit, it may not be perfect, but I'm as good as some singers in cover bands I've seen out there. If it doesn't work out this time, maybe it will next time or I'll try something else.

I can't tell you how refreshing a feeling this was. The only hangup at the moment is that I'm a bit sad that it's taken so long to overcome this irrational fear, life would have been very different if this was resolved about 20 years ago. Even though it's late, I'm still happy with the accomplishment, I'd rather have it now then never.

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