Monday, March 29, 2010

The 'true' new year and a confession

One of the reasons I hate making New Years resolutions is that I think of it as an arbitrary point on the calendar. I enjoy the celebrations and time with people, but I have a hard time thinking of it as a new year.

My new year begins on March 30th and has for the past 36 years now. Which is why I'm thinking about making some type of resolution for the next year.

After all, even if I don't start following through for the first couple of months, I'll get a nice reminder January 1st when everyone is making their resolutions and I'll have 3 full months to still follow through with mine.

Weight resolutions are tired (and besides who doesn't want to lose weight, I don't need a resolution for it).

I could work towards World Peace, but then what would drive the economies of many nations

I'm also not a quitter, so that removes a ton of possibilities.

Which leaves me with one that I've been contemplating for a couple months now. It's rather easy to resolve at least in the way I'm going to frame it, completely resolving it will be another issue entirely.

My resolution for the year is to (publicly) admit that I don't like myself. There I did it, that feels a bit better. I should clarify that statement a bit.

I've been thinking about this for awhile, I realize that we all on some levels don't like ourselves or wish we could improve ourselves in some way, but I tend to think that I go beyond dislike into self loathing much more often.

In particular it's in the looks department. I hate the way I look on so many levels. I can take a picture of myself and break it down to minuscule levels of disgust. As examples, wow definitely not the right shirt for you, you can see how heavy you are, holy crap look at the wrinkles on your face, could your forehead be any shinier? How friggin' pale are you, get some sun. The list would go on and on, but that's a brief synopsis.

I'm convinced it's pathological as I can't conceive of a spot where I would be happy, whether it would be weight loss, clothes, or any other changes I could make. There is a part of me that knows I don't look bad, maybe not great, but if I compare myself to people around me at times, I know I have some attractive qualities, which is why its a bit perplexing.

I still have moments where people will pay me a compliment or when I see someone look at me that I can tell finds me attractive, that I honestly am confused by it. I am past the point of believing that people are lying in those instances, which is a step up from where I was in my late teens and 20's but at 37 I think I was hoping for a bit more progress.

I wish I knew the reason for this self loathing, was it during my teenage years when I was huge and got picked on relentlessly and it affected my development, is it due to my shyness and awkwardness, or is it something else? I really wish I could figure it out, as it feels like this black hole that I'm constantly doing battle with.

I've made strides with it over the years, it doesn't consume me (that often) like it used too. There's even a part of me that I think appreciates it, as it's provided me with a way to measure myself in overcoming things like getting up and teaching for a couple years and trying out for the band last year as examples. So I've learned to manage it or become functional in spite of it, but I'm really tired of dealing with it.

Which is why I decided to make this birthday post about it. I'm admitting it, which they say is the first step to recovery and while those close to me probably had a bit of understanding that it lies at the center of me, I've never publicly admitted it before. I guess we'll see where it goes from here, but at least I can say that I accomplished my New Year resolution today.

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