There are multiple things going through my head that prompt the question on whether it's possible. There's a huge difference between resolving feelings and extinguishing. To me resolving feelings leaves you with little regret, extinguishing means burying it.
If I had my choice, I'd like to always resolve the emotions, after all, who wants to live with regret and while many of us strive to live regret free lives, as I grow older I begin to think that the concept of regret free living is either not achievable or that by doing so you'd wind up with a rather boring life.
Before I get into writing on what I'm thinking about, I do notice a difference in where I was at last year in regards to feeling like this. Last year at that time, it felt like regret was owning my life and that I was faced with dealing with it day in and day out for many years to come. Getting older will do that to you, as a big part of that feeling was that life is more complicated now, so changing direction seems like a monumental task. I don't feel like regret owns me anymore and even though enacting change in a complicated life is about as difficult as I expected it to be, the experience of dealing with it, makes me more comfortable in dealing with it.
I seem to be at the crossroads of past, present, and future today. This weekend I was thinking about whether I want to pursue another band if the current one goes with a new singer. Part of me wants to, and part of me says I'm not up for another roller coaster ride. Have I extinguished my need to sing live? My guess is no, if I don't take another chance with it, I'm going to regret it, so while I sit and wait on the group's decision. I keep thinking about what my options are.
It doesn't help that this whole band situation brings up one of my pet issues. Rejection, not that anyone likes rejection, but I seem to take it fairly hard. It doesn't help that I've got a pretty good memory, so it's easy to think about all the other times you've been rejected. None of this helps my current mood.
While I think about my mood, I also begin thinking about the things that are on the horizon, my wife is continuing to look out of state for a teaching job. I understand her need to obtain a job in the field she's worked so hard and support it. One of the issues though is how to deal with leaving behind a fairly large network of family and friends. I know that moving away isn't going to remove those people from my life, but it will affect relationships and inevitably I will lose touch with some of those people. I've struggled with how I feel about this for some time now, my wife is convinced that I would hate the move and resent it. I don't think that's the case, but it would affect me. Which is why I'm thinking about my ability to extinguish feelings, whether or not I can put aside feelings that I'm inevitably going to have in order to function and enjoy life somewhere else? I have to give that some more thought.
This is my third day working on this post over the course of a week, and my mood has changed somewhat, but the dilemma is still there, just in a different muted tone. As I finished the paragraph previous to this one, I started thinking more about the concept of 'extinguishing feelings'. I'll risk being gender biased here and say, this is definitely a male issue and approach to dealing with feelings. Resolution isn't in my thought process for things like this, I think of squishing the feeling and making it disappear, not getting it out or fixing the problem.
I find it kind of fascinating, that I'm able to separate myself from the thought process here and view it with this perspective. In addition to that, I'm even more
And I wonder why sometimes I'm so emotionally strung out. It's funny that I consider myself an emotional person, yet I've effectively extinguished emotions over the years. In a brief retrospective, I can completely see how I've worked to squash feelings that I didn't like; relationship issues, work disappointments, and all sorts of rejections and failures.
Interesting, I think this is what they call a breakthrough. I think there is definitely something to be learned from here, although in fairness to my actions, that repression also fuels passion to succeed at other times. So while I can see the danger, there is benefit there. I'll have to think about this some more, unless of course I decide to extinguish it.