When I first started this blog, one of the big questions I found confronting me was being on the higher end of 35. I was having a hard time aligning the physcial age with how I felt mentally. I seemed to be perpetually stuck in my 20's mentally.
I'm not saying this was a bad thing, it just felt weird and contributed to me being off track. It felt like there was a whole period of years missing as I wasn't in synch mentally and physically.
I'm happy to say (well sort of) that last night, I had one of those moments where I realized, I felt my age. It wasn't one of those, 'oh man I'm 36 moments'. But rather it was thinking about my age and not being completely distraught. Here are some of my thoughts on why it's changed.
The first catalyst of my 'fear' of aging was the regret I was starting to feel about past and present and the feeling like time was suffocating me. Confronting it seems to have helped, it's not that these things don't bother me anymore, but I feel like I've got a handle on them and I'm better able to adapt when faced with a situation.
The second catalyst, was my fear that older men, seem to be either crazy or so run over from the world that they appear to be lifeless shells. I'm fairly confident going forward with an eye towards this, that I won't end up that way. No promises though, as it's too soon to tell. Besides whoever really knows when they've become crazy and crotchety?
The third catalyst is life had become a bit stale, day in day out of the same old grind. So what's a person to do? If you've been reading, you know I've joined a band. Outside of having a lot of fun doing it, I've realized that there are additional, unexpected rewards. I like that it's out of bounds from the norm, it's been too long since I pushed on the boundaries of what's 'right'. Besides that, I'm pretty good at it and I'm considering it a lost opportunity recovered. All of these things are bonuses in my opinion. If you are going to shake up the status quo, might as well do it with a bit of style. However it does feel overwhelming at times working in practice and planning gigs around everyday life, but the satisfaction I'm getting from it, more then makes up for it.
How did all of these things make me suddenly align myself with my mental and physical age? Not entirely sure, but if I had to hazard a guess, it's the fact that as you get older, it becomes harder and harder to stop or to change direction. Just being able to recapture the ability I had in my 20's to stop, look around, and then adapt feels very satisfying right now. With all of the added pressures that come at 35, it feels like I've been able to catch up and apply my former techniques to the speed and challenges of today. It doesn't hurt that I've added a hobby to things to look forward to and to give myself something new to explore and master. After all to me life is pretty dull without new challenges.
9 months ago