Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Day 4

Day 4: The zombies are visible for as far as the eye can see. We've lost another one... Oh wait, that isn't right. It just feels that way.

I'm in Day 4 of breaking off my addiction to cigarettes. I'm sure it's counter productive to think about how many days it is, but at this point in time I don't really care, as anything I can do to distract my mind is a positive in my book.

I find myself sucking on nicotine lozenges like Augustus Gloop goes for chocolate in the Willy Wonka factory.

Considering I'm a bit on edge. I thought it would be interesting to discuss 'things' on my mind. Some good, some bad.

I went to the Doctor's office yesterday for my post 35 yr old checkup. I've been to this doctor twice now and I have to say I think I need to find a new one. First visit, wait an hour in the waiting room past appt. time. Dr. comes in, checks out the issue I had with my foot, says "oh yeah, it's this, call this specialist, let's do an annual checkup for you as well, go get the blood work done and come back." Fast forward to yesterday, wait another hour in the waiting room, doctor comes in, pulls out the charts, "everything looks good, have a good day." So I've spent almost 3 hours in two visits in the doctor's office and seen the doctor for about 10 minutes total. Somehow that math doesn't work out. While I'm happy to get good results back and recognize that there probably wasn't much to discuss with me. I can't help but think that this might have been the weirdest set of doctor appointments I've ever had.

I spent about 2 1/2 hours working out yesterday. An hour bike ride followed by an hour and a half at the gym. No better way to take my mind off of something then to exercise. My theory is if I'm miserable from not smoking, at the very least I can look good doing it.

There are parts of being smoke free that I do like. 1. My voice is coming back from laryngitis much quicker then it did the first time I got it. 2. I can definitely tell the difference in breathing, especially during workouts. 3. I know I feel better without it too from an energy standpoint, it's just the awareness boost I seem to be missing.

I also have come to realize I make pretty convincing arguments. How do I know this, well my inner voice constantly barrages me with reasons I should indulge in a cigarette or two. After all, it would just be one or two, not a whole pack. While I've realized before when quitting that my mind is fairly relentless in pursuing it's objective. I never realized that maybe part of why I've struggled with quitting so much is due to the fact that I tend to be fairly skilled when it comes to directing conversation, working to convince someone, or hammer a point home. I'm having a bit fun with this statement, but it is something of a self realization. I tend to be pretty convicted in my thinking and if I want something, I tend to pursue it relentlessly. Which consists of over analyzing incessantly and finding new ways to come at a problem when I meet resistance. It's not that I didn't realize I had they traits or capabilities, but I don't think I've ever quite considered the depth of them.

I don't understand MMA style fighting. I really don't, I wish I did and I know those that train for it can probably kick my ass from one side of the block to the other. But dudes, you are essentially wrestling with dudes for 90% of the time even while training. I've had discussions with friends over my disinterest in MMA fighting previously, but I don't think it was until last night at the gym, that I sort of walked away with a 'wow that's really weird' feeling. See the gym where I work out has MMA training which happen to be in direct view of those on any of the cardio machines. As I was using the elliptical last night, I got to view 20+ men engaged as partners on the canvas. The drill they were going through was one laid on his back and the other engaged on top of him, and they spent 20-30 minutes trying to break free. Seriously? I get that it takes a high degree of skill, strength, and technique. I get that you have to be pretty tough to do it and I'm sure every one of them could kick my ass. But I'm sorry there is no way in hell you could get me to do something like that unless I was actually fighting. To me the grappling nature of it takes away from the masculinity of fighting and competing. Perhaps it's homophobic? But I don't think that's it. If you knew me, my guess is most would not find me to be homophobic, but perhaps I'm wrong. There just seemed to be something very weird in watching this training. As a matter of fact, it seemed more like watching two men engage in passionate embraces but not admitting it to themselves, if that makes any sense. If I was any type of artist, there is something to be captured there in photograph or painting, alas I'm not such an artist. Alas it was disturbing on some level, but I doubt I've conveyed the reason I found it so, and likely it would be different then most typical men you'd here the account from. Anyway, way too much thinking on it. Here's what I wanted to say. Wrestling looks weird and you'd never catch me doing it intentionally. Now give me fight club style bare knuckled kick each other's ass no holds barred kind of thing and I'd probably be into it and likely even want to participate.

Ok, that's enough for today, I'm not even sure what I'm writing about anymore and I'm sure this is difficult enough to follow already. Bottom line, we are now half way through Day four and no animals have been harmed.

But there is just no way I would be rolling It's not even the homo erotic nature of the grappling, as I really don't have any problem with homosexuality. It's just that you couldn't pay me to g

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