Friday, August 28, 2009

Getting to 100, give or take 4-5 drafts

I can't believe this is my 100th post. (in retrospect, it's very possible this isn't my actual 100th, but we'll use some fuzzy math) Considering the time between the 1st and 2nd post was over a year, before I decided to try and keep up on this bog, I'm a bit amazed I've gotten here in about 7 months.

As I mentioned in Friday thoughts, this was going to be about religion, but I just don't have the energy to try and right all that's on my mind for that subject, it will come though in due time.

I do realize that after 7 months, I need to go back and read over some of my previous entries. I need to avoid becoming repetitive for some of the things I talk about and the only way to do so is to try and 'remember' what I've already talked about.

I can't begin to tell you how much anxiety this causes me. Why? Well I hate reading my own writing. It's not a matter of whether I think it's good or not, honestly I don't concern myself to much with that. While I hope people will find the blog interesting I find that most of my writing is done more for my benefit.

I'm not entirely sure of all the reasons I don't like to go back and read through my things. For work, I read through emails a couple of times depending on their importance, so it's not like I can't do it. I send anywhere from 100-400 emails in a week, so I'm pretty sure my hesitancy is due to something emotional rather then the amount of work it takes. Having said that for papers in college, I was never a big fan of proofreading though.

One reason I hate going back over it is I'm going to beat myself up for my grammatical errors. Since I tend to not proofread outside of spellcheck. I know there are multiple grammatical errors in many of my posts. Writing as you are thinking makes you extremely prone to this. It's my one big regret of this blog that it appears sloppy at times and that it may seem like I don't always have a full grasp of the English language.

The other big reason I don't like to look over my stuff and ultimately the reason for my grammatical errors is I really hate my prose once I've committed it to paper. I don't know if it's because I'm my own worst critic, whether I'm uncomfortable seeing the vulnerability I display , or whether I just look at it and think I'm . I know that in trying to express myself at times, I just have to write it down and if I re-read it I'm more likely to just scrap the whole post. That's the big reason I accept the grammatical errors, I justify it by my belief that I'm opening up in a way that I cannot do in a contrived manner. It's sort of like getting really drunk and just emotionally running off at the mouth, once it's out, it's not coming back and regardless of whether it should have been said, somewhere inside it needed to be said. It's pure in a sense and less filtered, which if I was going to read is what I'd want to see. Proofreading makes me want to filter and soften it.

Having said all of that, in the end it's just a clever excuse in many respects. I'm perfectly capable of proofreading and keeping the message unfiltered. So I'm going to go back and start reading over some of the stuff and at least getting an idea of what I've talked about to either further the insight or to try and avoid repetition. Hopefully over the next few weeks I'll be able to do some of that.

Interesting factoid though:

In looking over the categories I assign to many of the posts, I see that Irrelevance is far and away the winner for topics. With 42, that's likely fairly telling in what I think about my work. :)

Ahh, the struggle with understanding and acceptance of self is never truly complete.

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