Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Drink, drank, drunk, well not really....

Unfortunately the title of this post, isn't going to have anything to do with it. It's just a phrase that's been popping in my head lately, so I thought I would use it for the title, since I couldn't think of one. Besides I couldn't figure out, how it would apply to the word "write" in utilizing the same tenses. Write, wrote, written?

Not much going on it seems, my 36th birthday passed yesterday and it felt like any other. What I mean by that is I don't really know how someone can feel a year older. Birthdays have really never meant much to me, they are nice, but it's just another day. It just seems weird to have anxiety over a particular day or to celebrate one in particular (which seems to be the way most people approach them). For me, I'd much rather celebrate life everyday and would prefer not to be the direct focus of it. In respect to the anxiety, getting older doesn't cause my anxiety as I can't do anything about it; however where I'm at mentally in relation to getting older is a whole other story. (as anyone who has read some of the my other blog posts would probably know)

I maybe making progress though, this workout routine feels right and while it's too early to see any results, I'm confident they'll happen soon. I don't know if I mentioned it but I have no plans to weigh myself or track results. My goal is to re-incorporate a workout routine into my regularly scheduled life. I think if my goal was to just lose 10 pounds, I'd be worried that I'd accomplish that goal and miss the opportunity to incorporating the workout. I know I've mentioned that one of my goals was to look good for pool season, but in truth it's only a secondary goal at best. Routine, feeling good, and not being overwhelmed about fitting in the workouts to everyday life are the primary ones.

From a mental standpoint, getting a routine in place to workout is helpful in that there is a large part of me that has despised myself lately from a physical standpoint. I never want to be fat again. I don't mind being a bit overweight , but when I feel like it's all slipping away, I become unbelievably depressed and angry. The problem is that when I get to a point of experiencing this much anxiety, I just want to completely isolate the problem and resolve it. If there are obstacles in the way, I want to remove them in the quickest and most efficient way possible, regardless of the consequences. It's this focus/obsession that is my strength and weakness. It enables me to accomplish what I want, but can leave a path of destruction in it's wake. It's only become more difficult to manage as life has become more complicated.

I did have a positive experience this weekend, first thing Sunday morning, I woke up and the first thought in my head was, "I feel a little better today". It's an interesting phrase to wake up to, for me at least, in that I was conscious of a feeling and the word little seemed to be underlined in my head. Plus it wasn't that I got a great night sleep feeling, it was deeper and didn't run away 2 hours into the morning, I've been able to hold onto it for a day or so. Who knows sometimes that little spark is all that's needed.

So what's the reason for the feeling? A variety of things I'm sure. I had went out with the wife the night before for a birthday night, and even though it didn't go as I had planned, I think it was a productive night. I had also accomplished a ton of stuff from my 'to do list' on that Saturday. (I had woke up at 5:30am to begin cleaning and get things done, that was after going to sleep at about 1am, don't ask me why, as I couldn't tell you, I just woke up and knew I had to get started). Crossing stuff of my 'to do' list always seems to be a positive for me. The sense of accomplishment that comes with simple tasks can definitely make the large looming ones seem less insurmountable. Plus I got to spend another Saturday with Bronwyn, as the wife was finishing up her last Saturday class. So those are some of the factors. We'll see what happens, I'm at a point, where I'm trying not to get to high or low from an emotional standpoint. There are still things to work out, but it's nice to have a bit of positive momentum.

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