* I'm going back and reviewing some of my draft posts and trying to clean up the blogging dashboard. Most of them had started out in one direction, but either I didn't have time to finish or I just didn't have the ability to try and articulate the point I was trying to make.
What I have realized though in reading them, is that things seem to have changed quickly in my 4-6 months since I started writing it. This is my attempt to close out the post, possibly give you some insight into my thinking and while I don't think they are going to come to a point, I'm going to provide bolded commentary from the updates that are happening today. Essentially I'm cheating, since I can't articulate the complete thought, I'm using the post date comments as my flourish to distract you from my writing inadequacies. * (8/24/09, not bolded for easy reading for this part)
(2/18/2009) I think my headlines are starting to become something out of a Douglas Adam's http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Douglas_Adams book, maybe not a bad thing, but let's hope I can deliver in the same clever way. Hmm, by not finishing, I'd definitely say I was not able to deliver, clever as the title may be.
So in thinking about the way I want to change my thinking or reconnect with myself, I started focusing on the fact that I need to understand what is beneficial to my way of thinking and for lack of a better word, what sucks. While I didn't post this entry, it's the main issue I was experiencing toward the beginning of the year (captured in other posts), which was to move myself back towards a calm, collected state of mind. Interesting in that 6 months later, I'm pretty much where I want to be from a state of mind standpoint, I've regained my confidence, focus, and positive outlook, while many things have not changed in my life, I'm much more capable of coping with them now. There's still a lot of issues to work out and many which I don't write about on the blog, but with the right attitude and focus I'm confident it will work out in the way it's supposed to at some point. Ahh as I was writing this though, I am reminded that I'm in difficult waters, maybe someday I'll be able to share what that is though.
I'm plagued by the idea and phrase: if I only knew then what I know now. I swear the phrase haunts me and I realize that many decisions and choices inevitably would have been better with today's knowledge. There's not much I can do about that feeling, besides changing my outlook and at the very least learning how to incorporate my current knowledge into my present day instincts and deductions. Not really profound here, knowing then what I know now, is a common issue for people as they get older. What we fail to incorporate though, is the fear we experience from decisions in the then, doesn't apply in the same way it does now though, as that fear is removed from the knowing of now. It's a worthless statement in so many ways, as it focuses on the past, rather then looking to the present and the future. The past is gone and maybe some day when I'm old and gray I can reminisce about it but focusing on it now, means I'll continue to utilize this phrase in the coming years for what I miss today during that time.
Our understanding of things is simpler when we are younger, maybe it has to do with what we have encountered is so much less as the years are smaller or our understanding of words and actions aren't quite as defined. Looking back now it seems it would be much simpler to decide on a direction and pursue that goal or path. Simpler maybe too much of a term, but there are definitely less complications to manage in making decisions when we are younger. Consequences while they seem great then appear very menial when viewed through some age and hopefully wisdom. Although I know some of the issues I'm dealing with now, are direct results of paths I chose to ignore when I was younger. By avoiding some of those types of decisions in 'easier' environments I'm now faced with making those tough choices in a much more complex life.
I believe we all choose archetypes to follow through life, we need cues and paths to follow. They come from a variety of areas, family, religion and work as examples. I believe these archetypes that we individually build are necessary in order to process the vast amount of information that we experience and allow us to make quick decisions as we proceed. Not entirely sure how this 'fit' in to the other post, outside of trying to understand how we build our personality through life and that personality ultimately makes the decisions in the here and now. Part of what I think I was thinking was that if we stumble during the process and apply 'archetypes' and knowledge to our thinking that is incorrect then we inevitably become derailed much easier later in life, as we've fostered our instincts incorrectly. A good part of this I believe to be true, but luckily at least for me, I seem to have built in a mechanism to force myself to refocus when things seem to be getting out of whack, as they were. So maybe it's not such a dire situation to not always do everything perfect and learn 'perfectly' from our mistakes.
I've also come to the realization, that we are inundated with facts, figures, suggestions and all sorts of stimulus that affect the way we live and think. We decide to strive to be a good person and we follow the stereotype as best as possible, we choose to be religious and we follow a path directed in some senses by the sect we choose to follow. These are just two examples, and I'm not saying there is anything wrong with them or any others, we need archetypes and paths to follow sometimes, it's comforting to know that they exist. The basis of this was recognizing I wasn't who I wanted to be. We create this sense of self that often times can get off track from who we actually are. We can create it based on what we've experienced emotionally and physically. Say for example I consider myself a 'good' person, a fairly generic statement, but one that can imply all sorts of things from one's individual perspective, does it mean I don't do x, y, or z. Or does it mean I have to do a, b, or c. And what happens to that 'title' when my actions make me question whether I'm a 'good' person. I still don't know the answer to this, but as I've found out before sometimes time is the great equalizer with this. Whether or not I'm what I want to be is an important issue, but understanding why I may or may not be it is just as important. There will be plenty of time to resolve those discrepancies between self perception and actions, but for the moment it's time to deal with the problem at hand. What I found is no amount of self introspection was going to solve the issue at hand. Resolving whether or not I was a 'good' person with some of my actions could wait, the only way to resolve this issue I was facing (and still am) was to understand the factors that existed and move forward cautiously but honestly (to myself). In many senses this is what I wanted to find. It's what I found after years of 'identity creation' during my college years, that thinking was overrated and I needed to start doing. While I'm not yet where I want to be in life, I've moved forward and started doing the things that I think will lead to a resolution of the issues I'm facing. How they resolve is still to be determined, but no action was only creating frustration.
Summer as of 8/24. That's the here and now. I'm not going back and reading it, and I'm sure in some senses it's extremely disjointed and doesn't make a lot of sense, but I doubt this is going to be the first or last one that's probably difficult to read. Hope you get some enjoyment out of it, and who knows perhaps I'll be able to write about some of the issues that have been driving this self introspection.
9 months ago