Tuesday, February 17, 2009

It's only taken 2 years for the second one

So what's on my mind? Self inspection, going from the knowing the me of old to understanding who I am today and who I want to be tomorrow. It's funny how life changes and can move so quickly nowadays, it used to seem it took forever for something to develop, now it seems like it's over before it starts. And unfortunately my belief in how much I understood myself has been challenged over the course of time, and my over confidence in that understanding is causing me a great deal of angst lately. As much as I went through the teen years and early twenties not having a lot of self confidence, there were parts of me that I was proud of and gave me confidence to get through. Feeling superior at times for my views on how I would handle potential situations, the belief in that I was a good person, intelligent, and other assorted things. Of course that helped me move into my confident self along with some very supportive people that were able to see my faults at the time, and reflect them to me. However my pride and intellect while useful also caused me to view life through the filter of how I wanted it to be rather then in many cases how it actually was.

So as time went on I based a lot of decisions on whom I wanted to be or in maintaining the order of life around me. I found a path to proceed through life and be successful that minimized fear and hurt and basically bottled up feelings. They erupted at times when I was emotionally spent based on the isolated world I had created. I've worked to control everything, my feelings, other's perceptions, situations, you name it. Whether it worked or not is subject to great debate, but I'm now realizing that beyond being exhausting, that I've lost myself in that control. I don't know what's real and I seem emotionally lost. In addition to that, as my life has changed so has my situation, cues I used to rely on from others are now gone, I work from home, and see limited friends in very specific social settings, and most that I see while I consider them friends have always been held at arms length. The ones that I truly got reflection from I tend to be separated from by obligations we all have as we grow older. Not to mention some have developed differently then when I knew them and our paths have taken us to different areas of life, I'm not sure some would be capable of understanding me as I am now, as we've grown too different.

So what's all this mean and where's it coming from? I have plenty of theories, but watching my father and some of his friends and older men, I see things I don't want to be and and in some cases I fear I'm becoming. Bitter at times, afraid to be themselves, lost in a whirlwind of life and faced with difficult situations. Hell I'd cry about it if I could, but alas even as I write this there's no feeling good or bad, just ambivalence and I'm disgusted by it. So much of my life I see has been based on living in fear, so many decisions affected by it and yet at the same time, I know that I've made some good choices in life, so with more to sift through at this age, I can't very well just throw it all out, much more difficult task now then when I was younger, while I had fewer tools then, there was less to sift through, so maybe in some senses it evens out. The question that I first have to answer though, is how do I get where I want to be. Well the first step is identifying the problem, I think there are two main ones: fear of not having control and fear of emotion (my own and others). The second step is trying to incorporate changes to those two into my life. That's where I'm at for the moment.

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