Monday, December 9, 2019

Getting back to it

I see it's been a little over three years since I wrote on here.  Wow, how time does fly, I heard a quote recently that I love.

"As you get older, the days go by slower, but the years go by quicker"

In thinking about this, I'm amazed at it's accuracy.

Three years, I could write a book(s) on these three years.  Got divorced, got laid off, got into some trouble do to some stupid decisions, made a number of bad choices... and yet... I"m still here.

There have been many times over the last couple years, that I thought a lot about coming back and writing, I know I just throw this out there into the digital stratosphere, but the act of composing it, is what matters to me, and if someone enjoys it, or gets something from it all the better.  It just never seemed like the right time though, it always felt like I was still way too far away from the point I needed to be, to get any value from this and while I'm sure there would have been some interesting stories in the meantime, it wasn't the right time. 

I'm hoping now is the time, as I've recently put together a six month plan of sorts, to try and get myself back on track in life.   One of those steps was to start writing again, so I can check that one off the list.  (Hey I'm off to a good start)

I will say after having so many things happen over the last couple years, it's amazing how at times you can feel so right, and yet a week later realize you are even farther away from normal then you ever thought you were (or would be).  It's been a roller coaster of emotions, and I feel like I'm ready to build an emotional foundation again, we'll see though, I still have to start trusting myself again, which I'm finding is not easy.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

A bit of retrospective

At about this time 3 years ago we had been in our new house for about 5 months, and I started to see a lot of old issues my wife and I have re-appearing.  While I did miss the Cleveland area, I did tell my wife before she decided to apply back up here, that it was a mistake, we were moving in a good direction down in Columbus, and my preference would have been to stay there or go elsewhere.

I'm not entirely sure what caused the re-appearance of issues, maybe it's just old habits die hard and the fact that we didn't have those to fall back on in Columbus, allowed us to change a bit.  While most of my frustration was around the ones my wife fell into, I'm sure there are numerous ones she would point out if she was writing that I was doing as well. I tend to view mine as coping with the situations at hand based on hers, but maybe that's just for my own sanity.

It didn't help that although we were moving in a good direction in Columbus, there were still lots of issues I was facing. I had put on a great deal of weight in Columbus, I was on my 2nd job that I disliked since we moved to Columbus, and the likelihood of being laid off was very real.  It didn't help that my wife's job was just part time in wages as a teacher with student loans that were paying for 2 masters degrees. 

It's easy to say I was depressed, although the realization of it was hard to understand.  After all, I had just survived a hospitalization due to staph infection, miraculously got us out from under a house that had lost 75% of it's value, and somehow managed to beg, borrow, and steal and get us into a very nice house in a city that we loved. 

The first part of digging out of some of that depression was getting a new job, I had a lead internally for a position that I had left 4 years before, but for a new organization, a rather big deal organization inside the company I'm with.  If I told you that my organizations crown jewel had kicked Ken Jenning's ass on Jeopardy, you might be able to figure it out. 

I wound up getting that position, which meant some stability, some possible future upward mobility, and at the very least some comfort in doing something I was very good at, and enjoyed doing (for the most part).  The only negative, is I had sort of mastered that role previously and the new organization was going to run those of us doing that work into the ground. I was willing to take the exchange, and for the most part, my mental state in regards to that cleared up.

We decided to take a cruise that summer instead of going to Disney or any of our other family vacation spots.  It was nice and a great getaway, but I hadn't put on a bathing suit in 2 years, and let me tell you, it was not a pretty site looking in the mirror.  Yes, even as a man, I'm a bit vain, considering how many years I had worked to keep the weight off, this was extremely depressing. Of course prior to the cruise I had started getting back on an exercise routine, but by the time we left it wasn't enough and by the time we got back, I was far too depressed to continue with it, which just added to my negative mindset, which continually got worse over the next few months.

So there I was at 41 years old, fat again, a smoker, in a sort of dead end job, and in a relationship that has had it's challenges over the years, that I consider to be beyond 'normal relationship stuff'.  I did try and remedy some of this, by branching out to try and find new friends, find new hobbies to do, come up with things for the family to do, or just come up with an at home hobby that might take my mind off things.  Nothing seemed to be working.  Heck I even built a cabinet (not a very good one, but if you knew how handy I am, you'd be impressed that I at least tried something new).

I was able to branch out some and find new friends (and in some cases older ones from high school) I also started bowling and trying to get out of the house and break my funk.  Little did I know that getting out of the house was more about looking to escape the depression rather then providing any healing.  It continued to get worse as time went on.

You think 3 years is long

While going through some things today, I came back to my dashboard and noticed that it's a little under 3 years since my last blog post (May 23, 2013).  My how much has changed in 3 years and in truth in just the past 6 months. 

I'm contemplating writing about some of it here, but deciding on what to share and how to approach it. 

You see, I've been separated now from my wife for almost 6 months.  I left in the beginning of December of last year (father of the year, let me tell you, Christmas, daughter's birthday, and topped off by our precious dog Edgar (12 years old) passing away. 

There are a number of reasons for the separation, but ultimately the decision is mine.  I wish I could tell you there was some compelling reason like an affair, but alas there is not, just a lot of realizations that accumulated over almost 15 years of marriage and 16+ years of being together.

I know I can use the therapy that writing about it can bring, and I'm sure some good friends that get regular emails from me, detailing way too much, would be happy for the alternative :)

I guess if there is one positive, it's that I won't struggle for topics to write about, I've got enough in my head from the past couple years and enough unknown about what tomorrow brings, that finding things to write about shouldn't be a problem. 

Life and times indeed.